So, you’ve made the plunge, and now you have female leaders in an elders’ meeting. That’s no easy feat as you well know. Thank you for your faithfulness to Jesus, Scripture, and the female leaders who are gifted and willing to serve.

No doubt, you are dealing with strong, gifted, confident, leaders. What you might not know is that for female leaders, essentially silenced for centuries, an elders’ meeting can be an awkward place to be. Even very confident female ministers still have to negotiate getting comfortable in all-male spaces. This is a 24/7 reality for us. Females can feel like they are in the men’s locker room, allowed occasionally, but in a place reserved for men. Being allowed is different from belonging.

The goal of this piece is simply to put a few things on your radar so that during your meetings you can create a relaxed culture of openness and effective communication. While these principles do apply to everyone, they are especially important in church settings where women have been indoctrinated to be silent. Speaking isn’t just a physical skill that women are just now getting the chance to practice; it’s deeply emotional, tied to our identity as validated and accepted female believers.

My prayer is that you know how much you are loved and appreciated for doing the grueling work of being a spiritual leader, especially with gender inclusion. I offer these suggestions below, not as a chastisement, but as an offering, to help you build trust and to help your ministers and volunteers do their best work. The success of your communication as leaders will determine the success of every other part of your church life.

When I asked my fellow female ministers what they want their elders to know, specifically related to communication during elders’ meetings, here are a few of the responses they shared.

1. When I am the only female in the room, it is conspicuous and, hence, awkward.

2. Verbal validation of any kind is especially appreciated, regardless of agreement. For instance:

• Will you please lead us in prayer?

• Good point. Thank you.

• Good insight.

• I get that.

• I hadn’t thought of that.

• That MDiv is really shining through tonight.

• Awesome prayer. Thank you.

• What are your thoughts on _________?

• I can see you feel very strongly about that.

• What does your experience say about _________?

3. I haven’t had practice articulating theological beliefs. In fact, I’ve been told to be quiet for my entire life and am hyper-aware that people have left our church because of this very issue. Have patience with the effort it takes to speak up, and do your best not to interrupt. If someone interrupts me, please say, “Let her finish.” If I say that, I come across as overly aggressive. If you say it, it comes across as polite.

4. Women use demonstrative nonverbal communication far more than men and are largely more expressive with vocals and facial expressions. This doesn’t mean I am overly emotional, out of control, or a big mess. It’s the way I communicate and exactly the reason why I am highly relational and emotionally supportive to a wide range of people. And yes, I might show the depth of my passion with a tear or two every once in a while. When did showing emotion become a bad thing? Jesus wept, and emotion seems pretty acceptable at football games, where I have witnessed more than a few tears. If we don’t have passion for Jesus, something is wrong. If you are caught off guard by emotion, I know you want to help when you tell me not to worry about it. But what I hear is that I’m not smart enough to know what to worry about.

5. Watch out for stereotypical ideas, language, and jokes. Is it expected that your female minister will record minutes at every meeting or prep all the meals at every leadership event? What about cleanup? Are those duties shared among everyone? Statements like “all of your wives are invited” are, at best, an oversight and, at worst, more evidence that we don’t belong.

6. Do you take all your ministers to lunch or just the male ones? While the Billy Graham rule has good intentions, it can frame a female as a dangerous seductress, which, quite frankly, for most of us, is laughable. While I can understand the good intentions, mainly I just feel left out, and it blocks me from building good friendships with my elders. Lunch with three people is a great solution.

7. If I’m at the table, please don’t talk about me as if I’m not there.

8. Controversial gender inclusion issues are especially personal when I’m the only female minister. If something along those lines is going to be discussed, please give me a heads up so I won’t be blindsided by such a direct hit. I’m not fragile and have very thick skin. While I can’t speak for all women, I do want a chance to respond. And I can be more articulate and less defensive with a bit of notice, instead of dealing with a gut punch in front of all of my bosses.

9. Please don’t back off the truth of where we are with gender inclusion. If you know our church isn’t going to move forward with gender inclusion, say that. If we are praying over this issue and over me, this can be brutally misleading. I need to make decisions for my career and for my family knowing all the facts.

10. If we go to church where women don’t participate fully in a public manner, and if you use my idea, devotional, or prayer, please cite your source.

11. I’m totally fine if you don’t agree with my ideas, actions, or thoughts. However, if you talk to my husband or my male colleague about my ministry, instead of talking to me, it’s possibly the most dismissive thing I can experience and a huge no-confidence vote for me as a professional.

12. The elders’ meeting is not really a completely safe place for any minister. While I want to speak up, you are still my bosses. It’s important to me that you think I’m a competent professional, a team player, and a hard worker. The chance that I’m holding back is pretty high.

As always, I’m grateful for your willingness to serve as spiritual leaders who love Jesus and your churches. Thank you for continuing to create space for more people at the table, and for continuing to foster a culture of belonging among all your ministers, volunteers, and other leaders. Please reach out if I can help you in any way.

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This article is part of an ongoing series for elders who are leading their churches through gender inclusion processes. Find the rest of the series here.