Conflict Top 5: Your Church Wants You to Read This

I helped someone work through a conflict the other day, and it was medicine for my soul. Yes, there were tears and tense moments when facing the hard truth that everyone has a part to play in the conflict. As the self-appointed communication evangelist, I always try to point people to follow Jesus’s example and focus on outcomes, then focus on what you want to say. Sometimes Jesus engaged others and sometimes he didn’t. However, what he didn’t do was quit, avoid, or escalate the situation. Read on for a quick conflict refresher.

1. Every difficult conversation is motivated by fear and defensiveness – which is really just more fear. Have compassion for the lack of skill and the snakes in people’s heads. Jesus did. People are really, really bad at dealing with conflict. If you are reading this, chances are you have more education than 99.9% of the population.

2. There is no doubt, people are born with a strong desire to win. But if you have to win every conversation, that makes everyone else a loser: your coworkers, your family, your elders, and so on. Conflict is not win/lose, so changing your mindset about that will change what you think and then what you say. Jesus did. Think of conflict as a puzzle – just something else to work out. Move the pieces around till you find a solution.

3. Stop doing all the stuff that doesn’t help the situation. Jesus did. You know the things that go on the list: sarcasm, avoidance, yelling, asking questions that aren’t questions, withdrawal, or talking to your pep squad. Be mad or not; talk or don’t. It’s your choice. If you aren’t willing to work on the situation, you aren’t allowed to be mad. Pick one. Passive-aggressive behavior is beneath you.

4. Get a coach. Jesus went to the Father for strength and guidance. You can get help with everything important, and this is no different. Working through conflict requires strategy and physical skill. It’s not rocket science, but there is a right way to plan a six-sentence script. Stick to your talking points, practice out loud, refuse to be defensive, and resist the urge to elaborate.

5. It helps me to think of myself as the black ops of conflict and to think of Jesus in this way too. I’m laser focused on what I want to happen, and I refuse to get distracted by insults, defensive behavior, accusations, sarcasm, or lack of skill. Whatever other goals I have, I always want to preserve the relationship. Jesus did. Again, this changes what I think, which changes what I say.

Bonus. The sooner you deal with a conflict, the easier it is. The more conflict you are willing to tackle, the less conflict you actually have. When people demonstrate willingness to handle a tough challenge and still want to be on the same team afterward, that creates the strongest, most effective teams and leaders.

The other day, after spending time thinking through the situation and making decisions about the outcome, my friend was calm, had a solid action plan, and was visibly less stressed. I pray God’s greatest blessings for you as you work through the unavoidable conflicts and help others to do the same.