While we often hear that leading by example is ideal behavior, it can often be disguised as a socially acceptable way to hide. Being silent is an all-too-common defense in times of potential or existing conflict, and it’s especially easy to do in elders’ meetings. However, the ability to handle yourself during a difficult conversation is precisely what’s necessary from strong leaders and yes, requires actual words. Language is essential to get through those off-balance moments to facilitate important dialog. Language is the way we navigate those moments and tackle the challenges with the team intact.

And at this point, I’m looking directly at you, senior ministers.

There is something about the position of senior minister that provides a broader platform than other staff members or volunteer ministry leaders. No matter what we say about our church family’s lack of hierarchy, titles, and positions, understand that others are looking to you for inspiration, leadership, and yes, words. The voice of the senior minister is amplified simply by position. While I can see where a minister would wisely reject the label and self-perception as top dog, my ministry experience shows that church members and elders want a strong leadership partner.

I can anticipate some pushback here based upon some dark realities. As ministers, we literally have hundreds of bosses with lots of opinions about how we should do our jobs. Church leadership is just plain weird, and ministry can certainly be an unstable job, understandably making us shy about speaking up. While these things are true, we have to find a way to speak up successfully – meaning no one gets fired.

The really, really good news is that when you are reasonably skilled with language, particularly in those precarious moments, you successfully out-maneuver a draining and potentially damaging conflict. Instead, you can create a space where people are engaged in a conversation that undoubtedly needs to happen and likely is overdue. If a conversation is intense but people are keeping their cool, that’s right where you need to be. You absolutely can do it.

I offer the following coaching tips.

1. Start with your co-workers. Take a look at the dynamics on your staff. What are the communication patterns? Does everyone talk to everyone, or are there people who strategically avoid one another? When there is conflict, how is it handled? Or is it ignored? Put communication on your staff meeting agenda and ask people what they need. This will reveal significant information about preferences and background for the entire group. Participate in leadership and communication training together. This not only creates a positive shared experience, but it also teaches everyone critical skills.

2. Anticipate the difficult conversations that will come up in elders’ meetings in particular. Strategize. No doubt, you know the dynamics of your church and can easily anticipate what topics will be discussed. I hate surprises, especially in elders’ meetings. When I’m working with clients, we always start with the questions they don’t want to answer. There is always a way to tell the truth in a way the keeps people in the conversation and puts you in a positive light. Need some specifics? I’m here for you; read this.

3. Don’t be the lone ranger. Empower others to speak up in elders’ meetings too. If you are generally the only minister in the room, rethink that practice. It helps the credibility of everyone to speak directly with elders about their own ministries, including the impact of decisions and policies. While this might not be feasible for every meeting, create this format on a regular basis. This will not only build the credibility of every minister, but will also deepen the trust among your staff members.

4. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Will you ever feel completely at ease saying difficult things? No. I’m frequently not comfortable; I just find a way to say it anyway. My biggest regrets of church leadership include holding back on important issues. Will you grow less uncomfortable? Yes. Human communication is a physical skill; the more you speak up, the more skilled you will become.

5. Create a weekend seminar on conflict for your whole church. If this hasn’t been done in the last three years, your church family needs a conflict booster shot. Just like your staff, this will create a fun, shared experience for your church and build skills at the same time.

Moments of stress and conflict provide the very best opportunities for us to influence a situation for the better in the name of Jesus. We certainly have no shortage of these in our communities. As church leaders, we have such important Jesus-work to do, and I pray for your courage and skill as you speak up.